the heart of misstr3z

7:23am: woah!
wow.. it's been what?.. 4 years since i last updated this blog.. i was head over heals with a guy back then.. hahahaha.. i read my previous blogs and i can't help but laugh..

well now i'm married to Mr. John Michael Go.. my boyfriend of 4 years, well 2 years of that was spent apart..

that's it for now.. there's lots of things bugging me and i don't think its normal for married girl like me...

1:41am: integration ball...

at first the party was so boring... the jokes are not that funny... and it's quite irritating... feeling nila nakakatuwa yung mga pinaggagagawa nila sa stage...

pero ok lang... nung medyo late na... ok na yung party... i just danced all night... sorry kung feelingera... pero feeling ko talaga... that guy want to get down with me... hmmm...

kinakaskas nya talaga yung braso nya saken... as if naman gwapo sya... matangkad lang sya... around 5'11... hmmm... just like jepoy... but sorry he doesn't have the looks...

 pero morning before i went to rommel(my ex) house in fairview... i saw a guy na  sobrang kamukha ni lou... that's when i thought that he's haunting me again... tapos yung music pa sa fx nung nasa commonwealth na ako... "brother louie, louie, louie..." pakshet talaga...

pero balek tayo sa integration ball namen sa ratsky... ok naman sya though quite boring talaga yung program...

11:31pm: a reason to move on...

i have my friends who love me...

and someone's waiting for me... i just don't knwo who he is...

maybe that's what life is... if you wait patiently... he will give you the best of the best...

today is the last day of our class...

presentation na lang ng film... mamayang 4pm...

goodluck talaga... makikita na nila ang hubad na katotohanan... haha...

mamayang gabi magfa-fudge kame!!! yey!!!

makikita ko na naman yung crush ko... na konting crush lang...

bata kasi eh... yoko ng bata... gusto ko mature!!!

anu pa ba?...  yun lang naman eh...

basta feeling ko im a new person today...

i can live happy... although masaket yung nangyare kahapon... accept na lang...

ala naman akong ibang magagawa eh...

basta tanggap ko na di talaga kame meant... period... that's the end of my craziness!!! hahaha...

"tanggap ko na ako'y di mo minahal wala ako sa'yo hwag mo lamang sanang ipagkait ang aking pagsinta, aking nadarama sa'yo..."

 

 

3:19am: deathday!!

today is my deathday...

the day when i knew that the guy i thought would change my life after jepoy is already gone...

for the 2nd time i died... sana lang maging angel ako sa mga kasalanan kong nagawa sa mundong ibabaw...

"i love you goodbye..."

 

10:40pm: painful words...

i just uttered the most painful words...

"good... im happy for the both of you... hope you two will be happy..."

di ko alam kung ako yung nagsasalita nun mga sandaling iyon...

dizzizit!!!... this is where i'll stop... goodbye to you...

10:21pm: tama na toh!!

i dont know what happened... pero sa isang iglap parang nawala ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko para sa'yo... di na kita hinahanap... di ko na nami-miss ang mga text mo... ang mga tawag mo... pero sa tuwing maririnig ko:

"i was kinda hesitant to tell you, should i let you know... i was never really like this before... need i say more... or maybe im confused when lou is near me... i dont know what to do or i should be... there's only one thing in my mind... that's lou and me..."

pero parang di naman ako masyado naaapektuhan... so what kung magtext sya?... so waht kung tumawag sya?... eh di tumawag sya... i dont give a damn if he will waste a minute... P7.50 of his load... actually i really dont care...

bitchy ba?... well that's the real me... kaya goodluck na lang... ok... till here na lang muna... need to finish some print ad... by the way... im not insane!!!

"because im crazy for lou touch me once and you'll know its true..."

7:09pm: move on gurl!!

 umaga na naman... ayoko pa bumangon... pero naalala ko... may shoot nga pala ako para sa photography... at gagawa nga pala kame ng print-ad para sa advertising... at aasikasuhin pa pala namen yung sa marketing... akampotah!!! sabay-sabay naman!!!

 sabi ni raffy mag-smile daw ako... kaya ayan... sige smile na ako...

pero mabigat pa ren feeling ko... maybe because of the stress my heart give my body... haaay... gagawa na nga ulet ako ng IMC...

di ko na sya iisipin... hindi na talaga... tutal 5 days na naman syang di nagpapramdam eh... bitch kung bitch... but if he dont care bout me... so do i!!!

6:18pm: its just a ditch!!

haaay... isang araw na naman ang lumipas na hindi ko man lang naranasang ngumiti... yung ngiting hanggang puso narararamdaman... puro ka-plastikang ngiti lang ang lahat ng nagaganap saken... di man lang ako nakapag-concentrate sa 2 finals ko... yun na nga lang yung 2 written ko na exam... palpak pa...

damn!! i really hate it when im depressed... i can't think straight... di ako makapag-aral...lahat na ng malas sinapit ko na ngayong araw!!!... malas na nga sa lovelife... pati sa studies... malas den.. punyetang buhay naman toh...

am i really meant to be alone?... tagal ko nang tinatanong yan sa sarili ko... kasi... everytime dadating yung papalit dun sa taong sobrang minahal ko... which is jepoy... di naman pala sya meant for me... maybe my instincts are right... "nakikita mo lang si jepoy sa kanya!"... pero hinde eh... malabo... although they have similarities sa ugale... hinde pa ren... basta iba siya... iba si jepoy... damn... naguguluhan na talaga ako...

but maybe... my friends are right... hopeless romantic ako... and that im in love with love... not with the person... well... im beginning to think na totoo na yung mga yun...

kasi naman... namulat ako sa seryosong relasyon agad... nakakainis... kaya ngayong nabubuhay ako sa mundo ng mga mapaglaro... di ako makasakay sa laro nila...

can anyone just give me a good punch sa ulo?... di ko na alam gagawin ko... baka mamaya... matagpuan nyo na lang ang mga sarili nyo sa burol ko... damn!!...

so much for now... i think?... haaay... sa mga nakakaalm ng number ko... text nyo na lang ako... para naman lumuwag yung pakiramdam ko...

 

 see... i think im not yet over jepoy...

1:23pm: listen by stonefree
I.
close the door
i feel a breeze hold me please
i hate to be alone
it's a cold night,
turn off the light
come take my hand and...

CHORUS:
listen, to these things
i have to say
please understand, she
left me all alone again...

II.
clear the room of every memory
i don't want that song back on
it's an endless maze
take away this haze
mend my heart and say...
(repeat chorus 2x)

BRIDGE:
turn away, don't want to see you cry
i just want things the way they were
it's hard to say goodbye
wipe my tears and...
(repeat chorus)

this i ask of you
please stay with me
until she comes back

12:52pm: alam ko na gagawin ko...
this is it... ive read enough... titigilan ko na ang kahibangang ito... lalo lang ako napapraning... parning na sa studies... praning pa sa love... bwisit... yan ang tinatawag na pathetic... oo... pathetic lover... that's what they call me... damn stupid to see that he's just being friendly... he's just being himself... di ako galet... sa kanya... but that the best thing i can do to forget him... sana po hwag sya tumawag ngayon... dahil for sure... di ko na naman mapipigilan sarili ko... pero no... i have to... or else... magiging slave nya lang ako... kesa sya ang magpahirap saken... ako na lang... damn... di ko na alam ang mga pinagsasasabi ko dito... i guess kulang lang talaga ako sa tulog...

4:13am: i think im really meant to be alone!!
why does it always have to be me falling for someone im not supposed to...
lagi lagi na lang... everytime i met someone whom i found myself in...
i always end up hanging... or left behind... although di pa naman talaga nya ako iniiwan... its just that... gusto ko nang ako na ang mauna... its the same guy down dun sa last journal ko... ok naman kame eh... the problem is... meron isang gurl na masasaktan pag tinuloy ko tong kahibangan na ito... she's my good friend... and ayokong masira yung friendship na yun... bago lang yung friendship namen... ayoko namang lumabas na mangaagaw kung itutuloy ko tong nararamdaman ko...

sabi ko na nga ba... ganun lang talaga sya sa babae... binigyan ko lang talaga ng meaning... eh teka... kung ganun lang talaga sya... why the heck do those things... say those words... damn!! i hate it when guys do those stuffs...

can anybody please tell me... am i really meant to be alone?... forever?...

1:24am: him or him?...
sino ba?... sya na minahal ko?... o sya na natututunan ko nang mahalin?...
hindi ko alam kung hihintayin ko pa sya... habang sinisigaw ng puso ko... kalimutan mo na sya...
andyan na ang taong papalet sa kanya... nasa harap mo na... hwag mo na hahayaang makaales ng di nya nalalaman kung anu ang nararamdaman mo para sa kanya...

minsan di ko alam kung tama ba tong nararamdaman ko... sapat na ba na isipin kong gusto nya ako... dahil sa mga pinapakita nyang kabaitan saken?... pagiging concern?... pagiging sweet?... oo nakakalito... di ko naman alam kung ganun lang talaga sya sa mga ibang kaibigang babae... panu kung di lang pala sya saken ganun?... ito kasing mga kaibigan kong mababaet... isinasaksak sa kokote ko na "OO, GUSTO KA REN NUN!... OBVIOUS NAMAN EH!!!" sa tingin mo?... sinong hindi mag-aasume?... ako pa... eh assuming ako!!

everytime na magkausap kame... or sige magkasama kahit di madalas... mas madalas kasi magkausap kame... iba yung feeling ko... sa tingin ko nga halata nyang natutunaw ako pag tinitignan nya ako... na pag naririnig ko boses nya... obvious yung excitement sa boses ko... sobrang saya ko nga kahapon... right before i dance in front of those people... he called... and lift my self esteem... naiiyakna kasi ako kahapon... thn i heard his voice...

pathetic noh?... sa tingin ko ren eh... makatarungan bang mabaliw sa isang taong kakikilala pa lang?... two weeks pa nga lang yata kame simula nung magkakilala... pero ang masaya dun... alam ng ate ko na totoo talagatong nararamdaman ko for him...

pero minsan sa tuwing bubuksan ko yung blue na wallet ko and makikita ko yung picture ni jeff... iniisip ko pa ren kung babalek pa kaya sya?... syempre... di ba?... sobrang minahal ko sya...

ewan ko na talaga... praning na kung praning... pathetic... hopeless romantic... call me whatever you want... basta ang alam ko... i like him so much... no one can ever change that fact!

12:50am: unexpected feeling...
i didn't know i will feel this way again...
after i lost the one i thought i will love till the end...
but then he came... one time...
under the starry skies...

damn... sana lang talaga di ako umaasa sa wala...
i just hope he feels the same way...
feeling ko sya na ang papalit kay jeff sa puso ko... naks... ang lalim...
haaay... magingat sana sya lage...
although i always say it to him...

i just hope im there to take care of him...
just let me love him...

damn... am i already in love with that guy...
or i just see jeff in him?...
nah!... i dont think so...
they're so different...

you know who you are...
i just hope you're not that naive...

5:37am: lost letter
i wonder where you are, what you're doin', are you fine, are you with somebody new... i admit i miss you... i miss you so much... but that's how life goes on... two souls connected now apart... seemed to be the perfect couple but the time wasn't right... both need some space... both need some time... though the feeling is strong, we have to let go... it will only be painful for the both of us to see each other play... this letter is for you... you know who you are... spreading your wings widely... landing on every branches you sees... free to do everything you want to...
as i watch you play your games... made me think, is that also a game?... what we had... was it just a game?... i hope not... but it makes me think it is... eventhough your kisses feels so true... your hugs says it too... still it isn't enough... i need to know did you really loved me... or you only see as a girl who'll gonna be a fool for you... im sorry jeff... but i think you're wrong... im strong... strong enough to forget you... to forget what we had... but everytime i close my eyes made me realize... its just a lie...

12:51pm: last love song
am i trying too hard to keep this love alive... you dont seem to care about this love that we had... i called you last night but you were not there... i didn't here from you at all today... i cant play this game... im just wasting my time... you leave me with no other choice but to say goodbye... i want to work things out... but what's the point of it if i have to be in love alone... its not worth it anymore...

its hard for me to say goodbye... the tears are falling down my eyes... im sorry, im sorry but we tried...

i thought we shared a life that's full of love... but now i realized we shared an empty home... i will cry my last cry before i say byebye... i will sing my last love song for you tonight... i cant paly this game... im just wasting my time... you leave me with no other choice but to say goodbye... i want to work things out... but what's the point of it if i have to be inlove alone... its not worth it anymore...

its hard for me to say goodbye... we did our best to make things right... im sorry, im sorry but we tried...

12:30pm: a day in a life of a tired bitch..
i woke up again just to know that ill be late again for my 9 am class... for the Nth time im late again... at the bus, i thought i ill be sitting side by side with the guy from FEATI University... but instead, a pleasant surprise approached me... a guy in black ask me to share the seat with him... it was my first crush... Yves Alob... he really looked cute than before... with his bad boy image...

but still... even if i get to sit with yve's... i still cant get out that guy on my mind... i kept thinking about him for these past few days... if he feels the same way... but everything he shows me tells it so... that he liked me too...

ive never been this way before... since the day my perfect guy and i decided to part ways... i didn't know that i'll be this head over heels again... with a guy that ive only known for quite a short time... but im definitely sure that its true... i just hope he give me another sign to prove that my instincts are right... or else i'll be left again... feeling alone...

so much for that for now... this bitch must go to class...